I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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