things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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