i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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