you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
