How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
