i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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