i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
So many bounce houses so little time
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
