i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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