All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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