the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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