So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I smell like Dick and happiness
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
