dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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