she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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