if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
