I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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