Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
