You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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