you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
