U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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