i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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