I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
