God, you're like boner-b-gone
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
