dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
