Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
