hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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