he puts the penis in happiness.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
