I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
