My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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