That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
