I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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