Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
