my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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