I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
