I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
