I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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