It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
