my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
