tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Oh god it's open bar.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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