I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
