trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
