i don't plan on having that self control this summer
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
