dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
