what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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