Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
