Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
