meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
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