I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
