You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
