No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Randomize
