i think i have herpe
just one?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Randomize
