Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
