clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
