my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
