Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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